THE DISAPPOINTED

I had a project I had been working on the last few months that I was very excited about. I shared with a few close confidants and I was sure that it was going to happen. I had felt a certainty around this time that I had a story to tell, that others might hear and be encouraged.

I ended up being chosen by a large YouTube channel who recorded testimonials and the audience for my story was to be a global one. I had meetings with their producers and discussions and suggestions on my story delivery. Everything was moving along well on both ends and instructions for the next stage were discussed. I’ve been very excited for my part in this story until I received a form email the other day stating that they had decided not to move forward with my story. It was apologetic and a by the numbers, Dear John sort of delivery.

A thick blanket of disappointment fell over me and I felt the air go out of my lungs. My emotional response and my mind went back 25 years ago.

I was in Southern California at that time serving as an outreach intern for a very large church. I had decided that art was not my path anymore and that I would be moving into the ministry. (This was another time, another life.) And that life came crashing down when I met church hurt. Hurt from people I trusted, I was let down and turned loose. I was blindsided. The air was knocked out of my lungs and I wept for days before my heart turned bitter and I lashed out and ran from God. I blamed these people, this church for being disingenuous. I blamed God for failing me and allowing this to happen. Ultimately this led me down a dark path where I licked my wounds and sated my hurt with things that could have destroyed me.

The memory of that pain was blinding. It was like a scent you hadn’t smelled for ages that draws you back deeply to your past. But there was something different this time. I will be honest, it hurt for a moment, I felt rejected and the old shame came back. Voices sprang up in my mind, “See?! See?! Give them a chance and they’ll stab you in the back! Big promises and nice words but they aren’t any different from all the others!” Another voice chimed in, “You idiot. How could you ever think anyone would want to listen to your stupid words anyway!” “Call them out! Tell them their hypocrites!” And, “You’re a fool for thinking you have anything to offer anyone. You’ll never be anybody. Nobody cares about you.”

Disappointment and failure aren’t anything new in this broken world, I am very sure you have taken long draughts from that cup in your life. Perhaps even more severe. But even so my life has been pock-marked by disappointment, pain and the sense of inadequacy. I felt anger rise in me but there was something different this time. Something calm. The question of where my value came from, where my worth came from flashed across my mind. I said in my heart, “I will trust in Him, not in this. I am not defined by this.”

It was 86 degrees yesterday and I laced up my running shoes and hydration pack and punched out 3 miles. But they weren’t 3 miles of angry running, they were 3 miles of focused thought and remembrances of His promises and His goodness to me throughout my life. I then came to realize also the areas that I lack in that hold me back from goals and dreams I have had for years. I thought: you’ve been knocked down, what are you going to do now? Will you blame and deflect or will you use this as fuel to move forward? It was like a challenge was issued.

Disappointment can be a crossroads in one’s life. You can learn and build from it or allow it to wash over you and drown you in regret, in failure and in a sense of futility. I have known pain from fists to the gut and kicks to the sides. I have known harsh words of shame and mockery. I have known the abuse of years of being yelled at, I have known the fear that an adult should never visit upon a child behind closed doors. These things and a broken heart defined my entire life for decades.

But….

To you who have felt that crashing blow or to you who think nothing ever will change let me tell you something. Your disappointment need not define who you are. I will repeat this to you plainly. You are not defined by your failure. That is not who you are.

You are not a mistake. You are loved and you have purpose. Yes. You have worth and purpose in this world. I have a favorite quote from Thornton Wilder's The Angel that Troubled the Waters. Here, the angel speaks to a broken and hurting man. “Without your wounds where would your power be? It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men and women. The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In Love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve. “

And therein lies the rub. What will you do with your disappointment, your hurt, your regret? Will you nurture and feed it while it draws the life, joy and hope from you? Or will you learn from it. Not so much cast it aside but learn from it. Will you run into its arms and let it pull you down to the depths of the sea where you live with it in the murky waters of regret or will you let it push you to the Maker of All Good Things and learn to find meaning, your joy, your peace and reason for living?

I am resolved that failure, disappointments and hurt will not define who I am. I have value and meaning and I can learn from this and set my sights higher than any opportunity might afford me. Perhaps He allowed this. He knew it was a lesson I could draw value from. Who knows? But what I do believe are these words of one far, far greater than I,

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” - Isaiah 34: 18-19

Despite what your hurts are and what some people stupidly and carelessly say or do in His name, He is good. He is not defined by their folly. He is good and gives fresh direction in life, purpose and value. But beyond all that friend, know that you matter and you aren’t a disappointment. You matter and have something valuable to give this world. I believe in you. Always have.